Letter from drug kingpin to DEA
TO: Agents and Emissaries of the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration
FROM: Fernando Enriquez
Dear Honorable Sirs and Madams,
Throughout my twenty years serving as the head of one of the farthest-reaching drug cartels in the world, I've witnessed (and occasionally even ordered) brutal acts of torture and murder. I've observed children addicted to heroin, gangland shootings, and every other form of human vice. I have lamented these regrettable tragedies while I snicker on my way to the bank. However, we currently have a more drastic problem on our hands, and so I humbly request your serious and immediate attention.
As I'm sure you're aware, many American citizens have begun questioning the rationale and efficacy of the War on Drugs. These people claim the drug war has wasted tax dollars, corrupted and endangered police, violated civil liberties, incarcerated millions of otherwise law-abiding civilians, made the illegal drugs themselves more dangerous, made it easier for children to obtain those drugs (after all, most black market dealers dont verify the ages of their customers), enriched the mafia, funded the terrorists, and transformed a public health issue into a social, political and legal crisis. Their lucid arguments ring true, of course, but nothing could be more lethal to our mutual cause.
Consider this Researchers contracted to cultivate marijuana (for the National Institute on Drug Abuses Investigational New Drug program) are able to grow the marijuana for a mere 30 cents per ounce. Not a poor value for Joe Taxpayer, but that same marijuana could be sold on the street for $300 per ounce, depending on the potency and the region of sale. This means your policies are effectively ensuring a monumental profit margin of 1000 times the wholesale value. Ingenious!
So please disregard the passionate admonitions of those drug policy reformers. Whatever you do, stay the course! Don't listen to those annoying rehabilitation experts and treatment advocates, either. If drug addicts ever start receiving medical treatment rather than stiff jail sentences, they might actually stop using the drugs, which implies that my cartel and your agency will no longer have a reason to exist. And if you ever attempt to regulate the drugs, rather than incarcerating the people who use them, my associates and I will lose a major market - the very innocent children that your agency has purportedly declared its intention to protect.
While we're on the subject of children, I offer my sincere praise for the tactic of releasing convicted child rapists onto the streets while the prisons fill with nonviolent drug offenders. I originally thought this dynamic might be a mere oversight on the part of misguided legislators and judges, but now I comprehend the diabolical intent and logic. Since your government epidemiologists have proven that victims of sexual assault are 4-10 times more likely to abuse drugs (as victims often attempt to self-medicate the severe and debilitating symptoms related to depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress), there is no better way to create more victims, and therefore more substance abuse. Absolutely brilliant! Stack the coffins and pack the coffers!
Remember, war means profit! We kingpins dont mind if your enforcement officials continue to seize 10f our shipments (and we'll gladly toss you a little fish from time to time, just so you can assure your oblivious constituents that you are actually doing something to fight drugs), so long as your prohibition policies keep making the other 90f our product worth its weight in gold.
On behalf of drug kingpins across the world, I want to thank you for fighting this fire with gasoline. Without your laudable and valiant efforts on behalf of drug prohibition, us drug dealers would soon be bankrupt, as would the terrorist organizations we help to fund. And your massive drug enforcement bureaucracy would wither away faster than you could say, pork barrel boondoggle. Make no mistake. Money and power addicts must unite to defeat the gathering and looming forces of compassion and reason, lest we become extinct!
I know I can depend on you. Keep up the fantastic work, and I look forward to working with you in the future.
Your Classic Iconoclast,
Fernando Enriquez
Kingpin Extraordinaire
FROM: Fernando Enriquez
Dear Honorable Sirs and Madams,
Throughout my twenty years serving as the head of one of the farthest-reaching drug cartels in the world, I've witnessed (and occasionally even ordered) brutal acts of torture and murder. I've observed children addicted to heroin, gangland shootings, and every other form of human vice. I have lamented these regrettable tragedies while I snicker on my way to the bank. However, we currently have a more drastic problem on our hands, and so I humbly request your serious and immediate attention.
As I'm sure you're aware, many American citizens have begun questioning the rationale and efficacy of the War on Drugs. These people claim the drug war has wasted tax dollars, corrupted and endangered police, violated civil liberties, incarcerated millions of otherwise law-abiding civilians, made the illegal drugs themselves more dangerous, made it easier for children to obtain those drugs (after all, most black market dealers dont verify the ages of their customers), enriched the mafia, funded the terrorists, and transformed a public health issue into a social, political and legal crisis. Their lucid arguments ring true, of course, but nothing could be more lethal to our mutual cause.
Consider this Researchers contracted to cultivate marijuana (for the National Institute on Drug Abuses Investigational New Drug program) are able to grow the marijuana for a mere 30 cents per ounce. Not a poor value for Joe Taxpayer, but that same marijuana could be sold on the street for $300 per ounce, depending on the potency and the region of sale. This means your policies are effectively ensuring a monumental profit margin of 1000 times the wholesale value. Ingenious!
So please disregard the passionate admonitions of those drug policy reformers. Whatever you do, stay the course! Don't listen to those annoying rehabilitation experts and treatment advocates, either. If drug addicts ever start receiving medical treatment rather than stiff jail sentences, they might actually stop using the drugs, which implies that my cartel and your agency will no longer have a reason to exist. And if you ever attempt to regulate the drugs, rather than incarcerating the people who use them, my associates and I will lose a major market - the very innocent children that your agency has purportedly declared its intention to protect.
While we're on the subject of children, I offer my sincere praise for the tactic of releasing convicted child rapists onto the streets while the prisons fill with nonviolent drug offenders. I originally thought this dynamic might be a mere oversight on the part of misguided legislators and judges, but now I comprehend the diabolical intent and logic. Since your government epidemiologists have proven that victims of sexual assault are 4-10 times more likely to abuse drugs (as victims often attempt to self-medicate the severe and debilitating symptoms related to depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress), there is no better way to create more victims, and therefore more substance abuse. Absolutely brilliant! Stack the coffins and pack the coffers!
Remember, war means profit! We kingpins dont mind if your enforcement officials continue to seize 10f our shipments (and we'll gladly toss you a little fish from time to time, just so you can assure your oblivious constituents that you are actually doing something to fight drugs), so long as your prohibition policies keep making the other 90f our product worth its weight in gold.
On behalf of drug kingpins across the world, I want to thank you for fighting this fire with gasoline. Without your laudable and valiant efforts on behalf of drug prohibition, us drug dealers would soon be bankrupt, as would the terrorist organizations we help to fund. And your massive drug enforcement bureaucracy would wither away faster than you could say, pork barrel boondoggle. Make no mistake. Money and power addicts must unite to defeat the gathering and looming forces of compassion and reason, lest we become extinct!
I know I can depend on you. Keep up the fantastic work, and I look forward to working with you in the future.
Your Classic Iconoclast,
Fernando Enriquez
Kingpin Extraordinaire
posted by Weed Chillin at 4:46 AM
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